Journey outside my life – by Ariana Jordan

This feeling… This constant ache in my stomach! The feeling of being powerless in front of my own life! …of being lonely in the middle of a crowd full of people close to me! It’s overwhelming!

Why am I sad and not happy? I live, I breathe, I’m surrounded by relatives, friends and acquaintances, people that know me and love me! …or do they? Do they really know me? Do they love me? Or is that just something they no longer know what it means? 

Why the feeling of a black hole inside me, that’s draining the life out of me? ... I think is fatigue. And some sense of loss. I’m tired! I’m tired of pretending, of accepting, of tolerating! Feels like everything lost its sense, its meaning! We are all like sheep, and too many of us like wolfs! 

So, I'm stepping outside my life to take a look at it! …I’m surrounded with the kind of things and people that I always tried to run away from, and the faster I run, and the longer I thought the distance was in between, the closer it all seems to be. I’m tired! …of hoping in vain that people around me, people that I like, people that I love, will cease to disappoint me, will, at some point, change into someone who’s a better person, or will at least try! I’m tired to believe that everyone that comes into my life will prove to be different, to be honest, will not let me down once again, and will not turn out to be just another disappointment… 

I see myself giving away all my trust, hoping ridiculously and so stubbornly that people can be good and beautiful! But all I see around me is people with masks! People who forgot what their own faces look like! Fearing to reveal their faces even to themselves! I see people, desperate for money, for luxury, for shiny things, for glory, for fame at all cost! Prides and egos the size of skyscrapers! A constant battle for supremacy over both body and spirit! People always craving for what the other one is having, always resenting him for having it, even trying the best they can to keep him from having it! I see people that think they are entitled to have an opinion or a say about the lives of others. I see people thinking they can be both judge and jury when it comes to how someone should have lived or should live their lives. People, spreading hate and ugliness all around them! 

Then, when I look closely, in some dark corners I see few people hiding! People who seem to be beautiful, but also wearing masks! And I’m wondering! Why is there that they're ashamed with their beauty? Why are they afraid to show their faces, to admit that they care, to show their kindness? Maybe because they've been hurt once too many times or they've been run all over by the other masks…

And then, I see myself! Without a mask! And everyone is looking at me with doubt and with what seems to me a sort of fear! They don’t know what to make of me. A real face! It’s something they can’t recognize. So, they pretend. They pretend to understand it, to accept it. But they don’t! They fear it! I see them smiling at me and then, I see how, every time I turn my back, they rip my heart out, a piece at a time and a piece per person!

I look and I don't understand! I'm missing something! Where do all this hate and all this frustrations come from? I don't understand this people and their world! I can't accept it! I don't want to! This world I live in is not a world of my choosing! It’s yours. All yours, masks!

Now, I'm getting back to my life. My journey and what I've seen around me saddened me, but at least I know! I know something that all of you don’t! I know beauty, I know love, I know sorrow, sadness, happiness! I’m alive! You're not! You're only pretending to be! Your masks live the lives you should be living! And you try to convince yourselves that that is the real thing. It’s not! It’s a fake! 

I dare you! Take a journey outside your life and take a look at it! Stop lying, stop hiding, stop pretending! Admit it! Accept it all! Your feelings, your kindness, your weaknesses, your faults, your beauty! Be yourself, not a mask! What is there to lose? Is it your pride? Is it your egos? Maybe! But, then again, maybe not!



Pe Ariana o puteti citi aici.

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